In typical fashion, I am great at do as I say, not as I do. Especially when it comes to mental health. I go to counseling for a while, take my medication, start to feel better and then stop. This used to mean I stop everything, but I’ve at least learned over the years to not stop the medication. I still stop the counseling, however, which really does me no good. So tonight I am headed back to counseling.
A new member of my primary infertility support group recommended a counselor that was not only into mindfulness but also experienced infertility herself, so maybe she gets it. That’s always my biggest struggle is finding someone that knows how to deal with my infertility. Nothing worse than leaving counseling angry about how it is brushed off, or treated like it isn’t a real medical condition.
The one thing I do have going for me is the fact that I recognize I should go back to counseling before things get out of hand. I’ve become quite adept at picking up on my queue’s that I’m not functioning well. It’s also awkward for me because I know a lot of what will be said to me. I just have to have that trusted resource to bounce my crazy off of and to challenge my preconceptions. Being willing to challenge me on my foregone conclusions is a huge one actually. I know enough to be dangerous for myself. I am great at giving others advice, but I so rarely follow the advice I would give others. So having someone capable of challenging me to examine why is huge.
I have a few things to go over though, most of which are related:
- Continued anxiety around my infertility. Some days I am A-okay. Other days it’s a one-way train ride to the depths of despair, anger, and jealousy. Triggers are numerous and unavoidable, so I need to figure out new coping mechanisms.
- Reliance on food, that makes me feel like shit. I feel like I like to punish myself? Prime example: I know even a small milkshake will make me dump. My mind convinces me I MUST have one, I give in then spend the rest of the night feeling like death warmed over. Why do I do this?
- SO TIRED. All the time. I had a few months of increased energy, but I have recently slumped back into constant fatigue and poor sleeping. I also plan to get my blood drawn to check vitamin levels, but I know it could also be anxiety related.
- Anger. I get SO MAD. I know this is my coping mechanism. This is also the emotion that when it flares constantly I know I am going off-kilter.
These are the big things. The anger though is what always pushed me back into counseling. When it rears it’s ugly head, and it isn’t necessarily tied to logical things, I know it’s time to get back to a counselor. So fingers crossed this counselor is good, because finding one that works for me is part of why I always end up quitting.