When You’re Not Parenting

There’s a lot of baggage that comes when you’re not parenting but have prepared to be doing so. There’s also a lot of judgment passed about you. People around you want to point out the supposed “perks”:

  • You get to sleep in on the weekend!
  • All that extra money!
  • Can you say vacations?
  • No stretch marks!

Except, none of that is true for those of us on the path of fertility treatment.

  • Sleep in? It’s impossible to sleep well when you’re so stressed out.
  • Extra money? I wish! All of our money gets squirreled away to pay for the next round of treatments, doctors appointments, etc
  • Vacations? See above. No money gets spent on a vacation when you’re saving for treatment cycles.
  • Stretch marks? I will gladly trade you. Promise.
  • Freetime? If you count waking up at 4 am to be prodded by ultrasound wands at 6 am, then whisking off to see the vampires and lose pints of blood as free time. Sure.

Then there is the questions and judgments:

  • Don’t you want kids?
  • Better hurry up, you’re not getting any younger!
  • Are you sure you’re doing it right?
  • What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with him?
  • Who’s fault is it?
  • Maybe God/Allah/Deity doesn’t think you should be a parent.
  • Trust God/Allah/Deity and their timing. 🙄

I could go on. But I think you get the point. So give your infertile friend or family members a break. Don’t pass judgment. They have prepared to be parents, and it just isn’t happening. Don’t make assumptions, as they are likely incorrect. Imagine if you woke up tomorrow and you no longer had children. Imagine the hole in your heart that would create. That is what they are dealing with. Be compassionate and present for them. You can’t make it better for them, but you can be supportive and say you’re sorry for what they are going through.



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